Today ...

Today was weird i felt like today was the stranges days i never day... I woke up with a postive out look on thing i told myself everything is going to be different. But i found myself doing the same thing. Like nothing never matter .. i saw my friends and we share some laugh but i was caught in a world of my dreams... And i tune out to the sound and familiar voice of people i care for and love and traded them for my own . And i was the weird thing and feeling i never felt . I felt that the was something in my way that won't let me move or speak . I stood their looking at my friends awhile the talk and i walked the other way i was tried of hearing the same old same. So i tune into mu thoughts and i found myself being gone. Like i was gone that i was dead and i wounder but would people think or say when they notice the class clown was gone. Or the class kid. But anyways allot of my friends said when their sad they like coming to me because i'm so funny. But it was weird today allot of thing happen that were weird ... I found my self lost and woundering whats going to happen nexts. And really whats going to happen next year. I'm having people tell me i shouldn't graduate because i'm to young. But i'm woundering whats is too young. I think 55 is too old but to some one who that age thinks someone who 99 is too old. So whats too young and whats too old??? Will that just a though. I know right now it seems that i'm not college or anything material ... BUt i am it just something when things are not going your way you attend to take it out it's human natural . And i'm taking it out on school. Sorry school but i least i can't hurt you... Hehhehe will bye Deanna

say good bye to first love and say hello to true love

When i think about my down fault i think about the first time i let you go... But then i think about the first time i felled down on my feet and cry to God and told him i'm sorry .... But i think about the first time i gave my heart alway i gave it to a person who ripped it from my chest and kept it for keeps ... I tried to get it back but it was gone i gave it to you .... when i promise i would love you ... I fell behind the glory of god... When i told you i would always love you i wasn't lying. .. When i see you with other gurls i cry ... But i know your no longer mine and these scares are here to stay ... I tried to heal these wound but i was wrong... Because i need god to bind them up for me. When i fell for you .... I felt free but when i lost you i felt trapped but now i'm set free because i gave my heart to god and he kept it for keeps . And i didn't take it back it still your but now my love is different ... It's better because i can't love you .... But god through i can .... So one day i will be with you or with other... and my love will be yours but not mine true love it will always be god's ,,, So i gave it to you ... And do what you wish ,.... But remember i gave it to you .... But mine true love is gods... And he will heal me from all of the pain i was put through and will be put through... I gave it alway but i know i wasn't wrong... I was right to give it to you and i don't reget giving it to you... Because i've gotten closer to my true love ....God.... So love will past an maybe not but god's is for sure he will stay for forever...... He will never leave me or forsake me ... He will never make me cry or leave me out in the cold... But i know you wouldn't want to hurt me either but you do and now i'm taking some steps back... I'm letting my love for everything go ... And my love for me goes up every moment you leave me out in the cold... so i say good -bye to First love and hello to true love.... And maybe first love can be a second love ... But through god that is only possible... Sadangel 1624 bye

Whats up =P

Hey... Late i've begin just chilling i'm really tried of this bull .... I go to school and it get so boring and i want to move on . My own world is coming down on me and i'm wondering why ?? I try to care but i'm finding myself caring less. And it doesn't bother me . People are treating me with grudation and latly that doesn't even matter anymore. The only reason that i wanted to graduate was to prove to my dad that i would graduate and that i was something great. And i've realize that me graduating doesn't prove it or anything. It should be something i want to do and now i'm wondering about everything i do .Is it for me or for someone else . I mean last night i when to bible study and i felt left out so i found myself call people i knew . And my friend that was there wanted to do the same thing . So since i have a phone he asked to borrow it . But i told him no because i was talking . He ask to use it and i told him no and he ask to talk to my friend and then he hang up the phone. I tooked back my phone and call her right back . She wasn't bad at me thank god but i was mad at him . So since i was so mad i told her i would call her back i didn't want to let her know i was mad. And so i called another friend a friend he knew also . And i let one of the guys from my bible study to call to her . And my friend ask who was it and i told jessi and he asked to talk to her i told him no and then the guyz throws the phone to him and i'm running around the house trying to get it back. And the my friends has the nerve to get mad at me. Like an idiot i felt bad and i apologize . Yea anyways he piss at me. And i don't know excalt why i feel so bad. But i do and my tecahers aren't helping i mean men i'm trying to care but it's easy to let the world to go to hell then help . So now i'm flight to care and keeping everything together in my life other then school. And i have no clue what am going to do . But i'm running out thing to do . And places to go . And i'm wondering what am i going to do when my world comes crashing down.And next year i don't graduate and i'm suck in san diego with people i kind don't want to be near.Right now i'm pray that my friends isn't pregant . Men i their nothing i can do to help her . I'm helpless and i hate feeling like this. And i don't know excalt how to get it all out with out losing everything... so far i've done a horrible job at it . I've begin facetious in class. And really i feel the total opposite . And begin tanking my test on purpose ... And i'm idiot for doing it but i feel so horrible i don't want everything to go right because i don't feel right. Believe it or not i didn't even need to think about spelling "facetious" Right off the bat i spelled it correct. And that sad because of the spelling test i put N/A . I knew how to spell them i just didn't feel like putting them down on paper. I'm trying to mess up everything and i kind know it but it doesn't bother me. I'm going back into my old self .... Not caring .... I know i'm worring people get now but it's dumb ... Because i will be ok .... And everything will get better it's just my little phase. So i guess this phase will end. I mean at least school isn't that bad i kno what i have to go i just don't feel like doing them ... I think about doing my work . So far i've miss so many school day and i don't care... Which is sad school is no longer my hide out place. I can no longer just work with out think about what going to happen. So anyways life is getting boring and is no longer fun. But i guess we all have come to that point and we leave it and we come back to it .So life goes on... You know allot of people all wisdom the great thing but every it isn't you are searching for something you all ready know you just are hoping that you were wrong but in the end you were right ... And you say it was better for me to know then to never to know at all. But that bull because you were happyer not knowing. But that like thing inside bugges and you start to be sensory and you know and feel everything. And your (dexterous) = skills coming in handy and your nip pick at it and you realize life sucks . That you were happy the way you were and now your life just suck .Because whatever you had isn't what it used to be... So then nothing matter ... Like tanking a test on purpose it mean nothing. Because really a grade doesn't determind who you are annd it should but yet will allow to . We allow other to tell us if were smart or dumb . Grades are nothing .... It just mean some one has the power to mess your life by giving you an F. But really they dont' know who you are . They don't know what you go through they judge you and you have no resoucres and you let them . You let pass judgment on you and you are now a "hard worker ". Because you don't need any education to do it. And the world judges you and you have nothing ... Until you learn what they want. Until you follow the rules of live. It's sad how sad this world is. But it's life and i guess you are drowing or swimming . Yup that about it ...You know what i like the most about this year a poem i had to read. I read it before it was asign. I forget who it was by and i only remember bites of it.. But here it goes
"we wear the mask the grins and lies... thathides are cheeks and shades are eyes... this debt we pay to human guiles...."i think it was Paul Dunbar but i'm not sure. Anyways i agree we all lie. Sadness it something people find weak and nasty ..... Because sadness isn't proudfull or correct because you are suppose to be strong and yet we are so weak. Because we allow people to judge us .... Will bye i wrote 1,00o words or as much as i want to bye

=P 2

Hey whats up?Today i when to the mall with some friends. It was cool i had allot of friends . I when to go watch The ice princessa. Yea is was ok i guess. Men life is going ok. Luiz and i are friends now. I guess it's begin werid between us a couple of weeks . But everything is cool he meet my mentor. He acted like a total jerk but yea life goes on. Right i'm better life is going my way ever since i stop taking shit from people. I let people know what i'm thinking and so far everything is going will. My family is alittle up set with my new inproved attutide but i like it. I feel good. I'm starting to like me .... And i feel really good. For the first time. I'm doing thing for myself and no one else. I'm get back to track with school you know you i care about that it's my life and i shouldn't let the back slide. I really have plan ... Great plans with my life and no body is going to get in my way about it. So anyways i'm glad everything is going will it's all thanks to god and my friends. They really do help me. All i knew to do is get back on track with my walk i've begin sliding in that to big time.But anyways i'm trying it's hard . But life wouldn't be fun if life wasn't hard right. Tomorrower i'm going ton chruch i don't know excalt know when but i know i am . So yea but anyways i when to the movie and i was myself finally . My friends are really cool . I mean allot of people don't let me be me. You know so i'm glad they expect my emo and werid self. Now if my family did then everything woulod be ok. I would have everything i would ever need. GOD ...... friends...... Family. Thats all i really need. In life everything bites . Will bye -deanna
And I hate P.E and here why . I have it in second period and it's cold sometime and i hate changing in front of people it bothers me. So i go to the bathroom to change and yet their are other so are doing the same thing.And it's sucks. But then after all that we have co-ed . Whcih mean guy and girl are together so i still can't do anythig because jerky guy will say stuff. And i hate going stuff in front of guys. But what else i like physical action. But when i know their no guy looking at me . You know it's annoying . But what else can i say about P.E . I just don't like it. I mean i go tothe gym and i do excrise . But i don't like it when people who don't want to do it and just sit there being dorks . I mean i pay to go to the gym and i'm in boxing and i run with my boxing class. So anyway... i got to go

A saying i jackt....

Life can be defined by others...
...but my life is defined by me..... By jamie ....


So true . But i wish i could take my life in my control. I mean nothing i do is ever right. But i guess it's because i don't let me defined my life i let other tell me what i can do. And men it bugs me what can i do . I'm just a kid but my teacher my parent they all have control over my life. I mean if kids are allow to be trail as an adult why can't kids have the right to made wise choice . I will tell you why people are idiot . I'm mean mad their never happy with what you give them they always want more. But you know what i don't care. I don't care about what people think of my or what happens to me. It's my life and i caould take control of it. And men i'm going to get my grades up yea but it's not because of my teacher or my friend . It so when i graduate i can get the blank out of san diego and never to come back . And thats it. That my goal never to see my family or anybody (expect for a few). Because it isn't worth this bull i put up with everyday . With people . I mean man i try to be a good person now a day it isn't worth it. I mean all people want to do is to see you lose. And stuff. I mean since i got to Gompers no teacher expect my fifth period . Said i could do it. I mean not even my own mother say i could graudate . I mean come on . Then when i give up of the idea people are like what . Men forget all of you i will do it and when i'm up there their we be only two people yess and god. And Mr.Bates and really thats it. No one else think i can. I mean it's a little depressing . I guess i'm letting other defined my life again. So you know what forget it . MY LIVING MY LIVE. Because it's mine and if no one cares for me i have don't i ?? I guess i don't but anyways . I guess yessi was right. I couldn't let people determined who i am . Right it's my life not their . And i'm going to be the one that blanks it up. So you know what i'm doing it my way . And i hope that if your in my way that you don't get hurt because really it;s my life and you don't know whats best for me. Because really you don't even know me. And mean no one really does. My old friends though they did. But really they didn't i guess thats way they all back stabble me. O will life goes on. I don't really care anymore. Because right now it just me and god ...... Will yea it's just us. And other then that i don't care about anything. My vaules my rules are first and am not changing them for no one not anymore. Not for my mom or my family or my friends.Because they all really don't know me . And what i when through and what they do to me. When ..... But who cares .... Will thanks jamie for shine some light to me. About what i should do . I mean i shouldn't let people become the definer of my life. I'm going to take control of it. And i don't care if anyone get hurt. And if people do care for me that will understand and still love me ..... So bye

=(

Hey i guess i have to write. I'm not doing so will in my classes. I thinking i'm going to p[ass all of them with C's . So anyways i really don't care anymore. I have no clue why i want to graudate in the begininng i think all the teacher were right in the begininng that i'm to young to graudate. Anyways life is to short to rush through it . I mean come on . I'm bored half of the time. Anyways but o way i've being going to the gym and hanging out with my friends . One of my friends say if i don't pass my class she would beat me up. So i guess i have some motivetion. To do something. I think i can out run her but she knows where i live so . I guess i have to move. =( anyways i don't really like doing anything right now. I mean school bites now. And my teacher are really party pooer. I mean i was happy that i was keeping up with everything now. But now i'm just like i don't care you know. I really don't mind passing all of my class with C's or even with F's which aren't passing. But it doesn't faded me when teachers are treading to not pass me. I mean come on . I used to care now school. Is bored and am just like who cares about it. As long as i don't get that bad of grades so my friends doesn't beat my butt. I'm ok. So i guess i will pass all my class with c's. Yea . So anyway my week has begin boring so far. I don't know what i got in p.e last time i check i have an F . So anyways and now i have an C in english. i know i can get an A . But i'm not will to put anything in it anymore. Not the time or the enegry to . I mean the only reason why i'm writting right now is because my friend. I don't want her to be mad at me. I hate when she is. But other then that i really don't give. I could never graudate and i don't car. I have no clue why i don't care anymore. But school isn't one of my values. Thats sad but it's true i really don't know what is anymore. I've begin so far gone with everything i just don't know anymore i mean life is getting not hard but ... I don't know i just know nothing is really getting to me. Not school or my friends. Expect yess. I mean she my homie and luiz. And my god -father but other then that nobody is. I guess that weird. But who cares. I mean i'm so tried of working and everybody telling me that it's not enough that they expect more. And i'm ok with that but when they tell that i can't handle it . That getts me mad. I can but id they don't think i can handle it maybe i can't you. They are the adults and their smarter and older and have so much more experinces then i do. But anyways . I wondered whats going to ahppen now. I don't think i wrote allot but i tried is that important . Maybe .... maybe not . But why does it matter. Where am i going to go from here. What the point when all you do is end up doing something everyday . Thats all life is . Doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over... and so on. Life never changes. But i have no clue . Anyway forget it i'm just writting so i don't get beat up you know. I know the only one right now that care about me gruadte is my friends and luiz. But maybe not even luiz. His mad at me . I have some clue why but other then that he's always blaming me with everything. But that boy ... I don't know all i can said is that boy is a promble child. I'm or i. I think he is but who cares. I can't bel;ive i still like him and it's begin 2 years, So anyways i got to go . wil not really i just feel like going. I don't know how much i wrote it's suppose to be a thousand. I hope it;s close to a thousand. But anyways bye .... P.s i will write more later .. but that a big maybe i just might not. You never know these day with me. I', so careless. Now ... Bye the bell just rang and i got to go .... Peace

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Hey whats up i hate doing this now. I have no clue but i used to love to write and now i have to forus myself to write. That sucks i'm now feeling what other feel. About doing this dumb ass. but anyways life is ok i guess. I'm still tried of my life it's geeting annoying . The good part when lifes getting hard i can always read and run always for a while. I hate being like this but so much is happening in myself i can't help it . I being i'm trying but it looks like that trying isn't a enough for everyone. I mean i allot of teachers don't believe i should graudate next year. But the good part my trainer thinks i can. He told me that today i though that was cool. Since not a llot of people do . I need that and i'm so happy that some one thinks that with god i can do anything. And age doesn't matter not in this life. I'm happy that someone believes in me . Not allot of people do so i'm happy that he meant it. I know teachers are suppose to say it to their student but he didn't need to and yet he did and i knew it meant it. Because he told me with a little and i just felt itn because for the first time i believe a person who said it . Iusually don't people think i can make it but i believe him. So anyway i'm in boxing at the Lord gym . Yup . I go their three times a week. Yea i meted allot of people and their cool. I guess you just have to see the good in things . And i guess thats what i'm doing right. I have so much and something it feel that i'm going to break but i know god is there with me. So that mades me happy to know that some one out there cares. Even when the whole world doesn't care about me. So anyways i have to go bye - peace

=)

Hey what's up i know i haven't written in a long time. So yeah but these couple weeks or day i'm not sure . When i last wrote. But anyways allot has happen i was really piss at luiz . And stevie ask me out but i told me no because we have different religion and he got mad. So now he's not talking to me so ... And then luiz said he was sorry. And now i'm so rrrrrrrrrrr. Because i broke another guys heart. MEN what is wrong with me. Why do i do these thing to myself. I always to this. Men i wish i wish that men i could change my life but men. Thats all i can say is men . And why i saw luiz on sun. and i want to talk to him . But i couldn't and now i'm thinking of stuff and i hate thinking. Yup and i was watching "How to deal". For those of you that haven't watch it .It's a chich flix and it about a girl that doesn't want to fall in love but instead finds herseld crashing into it. Head first. So yeah it about love. So anyway i was thinking of how her life was a like allot like mine. But instead of my guy coming back he just left. I agree with her "guy disapper thats what they do best"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So yea anyways as you can see this week is confusing me and i'm wondering what am i surpose to do. And no one directing me i'm just trusting God and men it's crazy and i'm glad but alittle sceared because i'm always wondering if i'm doing the right thing. So anyways God is helping me with that. And no i'm just thinking about luiz and stevie and God. And how does this all play into my life. And WHAT AM I GOING TO DO IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY. So anyways i got to